If you have read the past few posts you probably won’t be surprised to find one more, hopefully the final, post on pride. While you may not be surprised, to be honest I am, after yesterday morning I was flying high and thought “ah-ha I have finally got it all figured out” (wait, that’s a little prideful)! Then I went to bible study, not the one I lead , but the one in which I’m purely a participant. We have been going through the book of Proverbs; as Sheila, our faithful leader, began reading the scripture that heavy feeling started to creep back in and there I was once more feeling and seeing just how prideful I was. I felt like the fool described in Proverbs, whose mouth was always bring trouble, who was so foolish they thought they needed no correction. However, I saw something else as well, I was able to see who I was a few years ago and who I am today (or rather last night). I could see how much had changed, and how much still needs changing.
As Sheila closed I wanted so badly to see if I was the only feeling heavy, but I was afraid of the tears that would have flowed. I felt that terrible lump in my throat, as I sat quietly trying to remember the cross, but there was no solace in the moment. We broke into groups to pray, and I shared with my little group that I was feeling as though I was being pressed on all sides, at times even a little crushed. While I don’t want to ask God to stop whatever he was doing, I am growing weary and don’t see an end in sight. Am I destined to walk away from Bible study in a puddle for the rest of time (this may have been a dramatic thought, but I am a weeny when it comes to ANY sort of suffering). We prayed, I went home, got the little kids to bed, and tried to settle in for the night. As I lay in bed, I thought about what was going on, and prayed that God would help me find comfort in the reality of the cross, that though I am a prideful person growing in humility that I could find joy in the sight of my sin because it offers an opportunity to repent. I mean really who wants to say “God please help me be oblivious to my sin, so that I never have to feel any discomfort”? I don’t want to be that person, that’s who I am already.
As I lay in bed and the the words of Isaiah came to mind, his words at the sight of God, “Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.” This so beautifully articulates my heart, and at once I wanted to sing out loud- Hallelujah!! In seeing the glory of God, Isaiah is saying I am accursed for I am too filthy to be in your presence. If Isaiah, a prophet, a godly man, felt so strongly than why should it be strange for me to feel heavy by the weight of my pride. Pride is utterly against God, it is what makes us want to go our own way, submit to no one. Because of all the ministry activities I have, in pride, chosen to take on I have been in the Word more than normal, I have felt as though most thoughts are consumed by either thinking about questions I have to answer for an intense theology test (the last test of my college career), studying to teach bible study, or studying to write a children’s church lesson. I have never been so immersed in scripture, and it occurs to me that its in scripture that we truly learn about and see the glory of God, this is what has stirred these feelings. I think this feeling is really what the Bible calls the fear of the Lord, I am not frightened by God’s wrath, but reverent of His holiness. This growth though painful (guys I am pooped), is a beautiful gift, one I can give thanks to my King that though I am so unworthy, just like Isaiah, he is purifying me!
I haven’t asked lately, but I would love to hear how God is working in your heart!
Leading Them to the Cross 