Hallelujah!!

If you have read the past few posts you probably won’t be surprised to find one more, hopefully the final, post on pride. While you may not be surprised, to be honest I am, after yesterday morning I was flying high and thought “ah-ha I have finally got it all figured out” (wait, that’s a little prideful)! Then I went to bible study, not the one I lead , but the one in which I’m purely a participant. We have been going through the book of Proverbs; as Sheila, our faithful leader, began reading the scripture that heavy feeling started to creep back in and there I was once more feeling and seeing just how prideful I was. I felt like the fool described in Proverbs, whose mouth was always bring trouble, who was so foolish they thought they needed no correction. However, I saw something else as well, I was able to see who I was a few years ago and who I am today (or rather last night). I could see how much had changed, and how much still needs changing.

As Sheila closed I wanted so badly to see if I was the only feeling heavy, but I was afraid of the tears that would have flowed. I felt that terrible lump in my throat, as I sat quietly trying to remember the cross, but there was no solace in the moment. We broke into groups to pray, and I shared with my little group that I was feeling as though I was being pressed on all sides, at times even a little crushed. While I don’t want to ask God to stop whatever he was doing, I am growing weary and don’t see an end in sight. Am I destined to walk away from Bible study in a puddle for the rest of time (this may have been a dramatic thought, but I am a weeny when it comes to ANY sort of suffering). We prayed, I went home, got the little kids to bed, and tried to settle in for the night. As I lay in bed, I thought about what was going on, and prayed that God would help me find comfort in the reality of the cross, that though I am a prideful person growing in humility that I could find joy in the sight of my sin because it offers an opportunity to repent. I mean really who wants to say “God please help me be oblivious to my sin, so that I never have to feel any discomfort”? I don’t want to be that person, that’s who I am already.

As I lay in bed and the the words of Isaiah came to mind, his words at the sight of God, “Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.” This so beautifully articulates my heart, and at once I wanted to sing out loud- Hallelujah!! In seeing the glory of God, Isaiah is saying I am accursed for I am too filthy to be in your presence. If Isaiah, a prophet, a godly man, felt so strongly than why should it be strange for me to feel heavy by the weight of my pride. Pride is utterly against God, it is what makes us want to go our own way, submit to no one. Because of all the ministry activities I have, in pride, chosen to take on I have been in the Word more than normal, I have felt as though most thoughts are consumed by either thinking about questions I have to answer for an intense theology test (the last test of my college career), studying to teach bible study, or studying to write a children’s church lesson. I have never been so immersed in scripture, and it occurs to me that its in scripture that we truly learn about and see the glory of God, this is what has stirred these feelings. I think this feeling is really what the Bible calls the fear of the Lord, I am not frightened by God’s wrath, but reverent of His holiness. This growth though painful (guys I am pooped), is a beautiful gift, one I can give thanks to my King that though I am so unworthy, just like Isaiah, he is purifying me!

I haven’t asked lately, but I would love to hear how God is working in your heart!

Death to Self

Death to self! It sounds so violent, so bloody, but I don’t think it sounds as hard as it is in reality! Human life is fragile, a hard hit to the head and your done. However, the flesh doesn’t go down after one blow, instead I have noticed that in battling a particular sin it can seem as though the fight is getting nastier and nastier as I come to realize just how deeply rooted certain sins are. Over the past few months I have seen more and more just how prideful I am.  Every time I think I have seen the depth of my pride, I find that it’s worse than I thought. While the part of me that loves the Lord says “yes, death to self”, my prideful flesh is still a present and influential enemy; sadly one that fights hard for survival. My flesh is sneaky; it reasons softly with my emotions, with my weakness, and with my all to busy life sometimes I don’t even notice I’ve been pulled off track. I find myself far from God in a flash, and saddened by the distance, wondering how I strayed so far so fast! There are times I am more alert, more vigilant, aware of the spiritual battle waiting around the corner, better prepared to struggle with my sin and face the truth that despite my desire to be loyal to God without His help and strength I will fall away. It seems this is the nature of my walk with the Lord, a reality I wish weren’t so, but it is God’s way of teaching me to be dependent on Him. I have come to the realization that I wonder away when I believe the lie that I can do this on my own!

Studying Biblical counseling for the past several years has kept me in the Word, forced me to constantly look at how what I have read reflects a change of heart that needs to happen so that I can live a life that is honoring to God, always seeking to grow in my love for God and others. Its help me understanding the truth that no matter where I am, I still have so much further to go in my walk with God; it’s a sobering and humbling reality to face: until I leave this world I will fight the same fight against my flesh, I will slowly grow through each battle, but perfection, complete freedom from sinful desire, lies ahead in eternities future.

I read a Spurgeon quote this morning, “if He reigns in my heart, there will be no room for another reigning power.” This pricked my heart, I feel the fight with my flesh so strongly today. If there is no room for the world or the flesh than why is it still there, why dose it fight to survive? Why am I so disloyal to a God who has shown me such great love? Perhaps this is simply the refiners fire, his presence is the heat revealing  the impurity, seeing the impurity brings humility, it reveals the gap that the cross must bridge, it offers a chance to repent and to experience  an overflow of thanksgiving that though my sin runs deep His grace runs deeper. It seems the hurt I feel today is necessary for me to truly understand the Father’s love, that he would choose to make such a wretch his treasure! If my flesh died an easy death I would never know just how great God’s love is for stubborn sinners like me!

I hope you’re encouraged to fight on, even when the days are hard, we never fight alone when we seek the help of the Fathers, Son, and Holy Spirit! I feel low today, a feeling I hate, my heart hurts, and I desperately want to feel some relief! Really I want to believe I’m not as bad as I really am, but I guess that’s the point: I am as bad as the cross says I am! However, I am reminded of James 4: 6-10, “He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.”

The Me I Want To Be

For several months I have been thinking about how I allow my circumstances define me. When I worked full time I was full of guilt, it was not the me I wanted to be. I wanted to be a stay at home mom; spending my days doing mom things. Then I was laid off from my job, while pregnant, which came as a complete shock. So now I had what I wanted, I was at home, but this wasn’t our plan, so after baby #2 arrived I went back to work. After six months of yet again being the me I didn’t want to be, I quit my job to stay home. I took a part time job working a few hours a week for our church getting our children’s ministry off the ground. During this time I was content with how the world saw me, I stayed at home, served in children’s ministry, taught a bible study, and worked on my Master’s degree in Biblical Counseling, which was has taken me far longer than I anticipated. I still felt a little pushed by circumstances, I wanted to quit school, but my husband urged me to continue. I wanted to quit the church, but the church needed someone to fill the role, and we needed the money. However, over the years I have grown to love working in children’s ministry; it has spurred on more personal growth than I could have imagined.

Then life went wonky, I took a part time job selling pharmaceuticals in July. It was part of our original agreement when I left work full time; I would look for part time positions, but they are few and far between. However, instead of doing what made sense and giving up my job at the church I decided to do both. This has worked out, but it’s not worked well; especially when you remember that pesky Master’s program I’m finishing, oh yeah, and that bible study I teach. I look at my life and once more I am not the me I want to be! I do not want to be a working mom, not in such a worldly job; I want to be the stay at home mom, doing mom things, and coordinating a children’s ministry. However, in all this I have realized that I need stepped back and think about the deep questions (not that they haven’t come to mind, I’ve just been avoiding them). Where is God in this? What is God trying to teach me? Do I trust Him, and His judgment? If I believe, and I do, that he is the working all things together, than these are questions I must contemplate.

Thinking about these kinds of questions is pointing to my own sad little heart! I want to be seen as a faithful Christian mom, working for the souls of my children and others; I resent the fact that I have a “real job.” I realize I created a works righteous system all of my own, one in which my righteousness is based upon my circumstances, on looking the part, not the state of my heart. It’s as though how other perceive me is the basis of my standing before God. Even as I write this, I am seeing more and more that I am already the me I want to be, I am a child of the one true God! My circumstances don’t define me, my job, my financial state, my address, or my education are not the basis upon which my righteousness and my position before God is built, it is all about Jesus, His perfect obedience, His atoning death on the cross, and my trust in Him!

When I started this post I had no idea where I was going with it, I was really just feeling a little out of sorts and writing seems to help me sort things out. However, I don’t think I’m alone in my fight against constructing extra biblical standards in my mind, ones which I can’t live up to. Seriously none of this is new to me; it demonstrated how sin can distort our vision, and shift our focus away from the truth. The take away is this, no matter what your circumstances, God is in them, He is working, and they do not define who you are in Christ. Whether your a stay at home mom, a part time job mom, or a mom who is carrying the burden of a full time job you can still honor God by raising your children to know the Lord, by being submissive to your husband, and most of all by trusting in Jesus for your righteousness, He did what we can’t!

I hope this has been encouraging as you labor to lead you children to the cross!

Learning to Love

If someone asked if you were a loving person what would you say?  I know what I would say, “of coures I’m loving.” I may even be insulted that anyone would ask me, a loving person, such a silly question.  The problem as I’m finding today is that, although I truly do love other people, and I do love in action and in truth, I really still love myself! While I can say in all honesty that I am more loving now than I was five years ago or even last month, I still really love me, and frankly I’m a little aggravated that you don’t love me as much as I love me. It is with a heavy heart that I write, because I have seen self love cause disruption in my life and in the unity I could enjoy with other people, my children, my husband, and my brother’s and sister’s in Christ.

I am reminded of a post I wrote a few years ago, and I thought I would share it as I read it to encourage myself to think on the things that will keep me from wallowing in the sinful self-pity and help me love other the way God in Christ has loved me!

Is this How Christ Would Treat the Church?

March 2012 (Grown by Grace)

Recently I heard Tim Challies interviewed; he said married men should think about their actions and attitudes toward their wives by reflecting on the questions: “Is this how Christ would treat the Church?” This statement stuck with me, it churned over and over in my half crazy, sleep-deprived mind until I did something terrible. Instead of taking this beautiful principle and applying it to my life; I took it and measured my husband by it. Did you catch that; I was holding up perfection and mentally criticizing my spouse for failing to measure up!  He left a mess in the kitchen, left some laundry on the floor, or didn’t help me in a moment of difficulty with the kids; and there were those nasty thought “this is not how Christ would treat the Church!” Even worse the self-righteous ones that followed, “I would never treat him with such disrespect!” I am thankful that today God opened my eyes to what I was doing, and gave me an opportunity to turn from this quiet, yet toxic, sin.

Can you relate? Have you ever taken something like 1 Corinthians 13:4, which goes into detail about the actions of love, and looked at your spouse only to find they are failing miserably? I don’t think I’m alone in my folly; the sad truth is this is all part of a Genesis 3 world. Our world was cursed by sin, and we will feel the effects until Christ returns. We will always fight on some level the urge to be concerned with the spec in another’s eye, while ignoring the plank in our own.

Today I was reading a book by one of my favorite Christian authors, Elise Fitzpatrick called Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety. She had some advise I’m thankful to say I did apply rightly, and it helped tremendously. Maybe it will be an encouragement to you as you struggle to glorify God in thought and deed. She urges her reader to use Philippians 4:8 as a litmus test for their thought. “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” When ever you catch yourself thinking about thinking negatively, which may be often since we are habitual even in the things we think about, evaluate how it hold up to Philippians 4:8.

• Is what your thinking true?- “Is what I’m thinking true about God, particularly His fatherly care for me?”
• Is this thought process honorable?- “Do my thoughts honor God? Do they reflect the knowledge that He is wonderful, kind, wise, and powerful?”
• Is this right?- “Are my thoughts holy, righteous, or just? Are they the kind that the Lord Himself would think?”
• What about being pure?- “Do my thoughts cast doubt on God’s goodness or the truth of HIs promises? Do they elevate my own importance or desires?”
• Is this a lovely thought?- “Do my thoughts flow from a heart filled with tenderness and affection for the Lord? Would my thoughts bring Him pleasure?”
• Is this of Good Repute?- ” Are my thoughts of good repute? Are they grounded in faith?”
• Does this cause me to strive for excellence?- “Do my thoughts cause me to be fearful, or do they fill my heart with courage and strong commitment to virtuous living?”
• Are my thoughts worthy of praise?- “Would the Lord commend my thought? Would they bring Him glory?”

It’s pretty clear my thoughts failed the stink test of this list. They only stood to cause tension and division in my relationship with my wonderful husband! Ladies there are times when we are called to hold our husbands accountable for their sin, but we must always bear in mind that we are called to “keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)”. When we confront our spouse we are to have an attitude of humility, our salvation was bought at the same cost as theirs! James 2:10 says “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all.” Let us always bear in mind we stand at the foot of a blood stained cross together, and that is where our forgiveness was found!

Today I caught myself doing this same thing, a year and a half after I wrote these words they are still hard. I can think of a laundry list of excuses for why I was stuck loving myself and not loving my husband, but alas they hold no water before God. No matter what is going on in life I have to control my thoughts if I am going to be the wife, mother, and sister in Christ God has called me to be.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” These beautiful words are not things I should expect from others, they are things I am commanded to do for others. This is what Jesus was calling us to in Matthew 22: 37-39, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” This is the love God has shown for me in sending Christ to save me, and by his grace alone I will be able to share it with others.

God is teaching me every day to love others more, I am slow to catch on, and slow to see my own failure. However, I am thankful today for my heavy heart, because I know it is the stirring of the Holy Spirit convicting me of self-love. Learning to love is hard, it means I have to admit I am not as loving as I think I am, that I am far more selfish than I want to believe, and that I have not grown in my walk with the Lord as much as I would like think I have. In all this I have hope “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I know this is outside the scope of what I generally write about, but it was heavy on my heart today. Don’t forget about the Drive by Parenting give away; you can enter by following the link below, although it does not appear to work from a mobile device (it is worth the trouble of using your home computer or laptop- as it is a great resource).

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As always I hope this is helpful and encouraging! I would love to hear your thoughts, so please leave me a comment!

Resource Review and Giveaway: Drive By Parenting

 I read Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Dr. Tedd Tripp many years ago, it’s a fantastic resource, which really changed the way we disciplined our oldest son (he was our only son back then). Dr. Tripp is thoroughly gospel centered in his approach, he reminds his readers that even thought they may not want to spank their children that it’s not only what God has called us as Christian parents to do it is a loving way to handle discipline. Tripp encourages parents to think of times of discipline as amazing opportunity to share the good news of Jesus with your children, something that we do at our house daily (sometimes multiple times a day, depending on what kind of day we are having). Having read Dr. Tripp’s book I was thrilled when my mother-in-law bought a copy of Drive by Parenting with Todd Friel, the host of Wretched Radio, and Dr. Tedd Tripp.

Drive By Parenting is a audio series on parenting broken into 31- 15 minute lectures covering a broad range of topics from the right attitude to have about parenting to when to talk about sex with your kids; it also covers each developmental stage, it outlines principles to guide times of discipline, and how to move from spanking to applying a reaping and sowing approach to consequences.

I loved that the series isn’t dry and boring, Mr. Friel and Dr. Tripp banter back and forth lightening the mood when possible. Through out the series it is clear that Dr. Tripp is not sharing his own opinion about parenting, but that he is drawing truth from scripture and applying it to parenting; it is one of the things that really sets this series apart from other parenting resources. Both Friel and Tripp readily admit that they have not done a perfect job, but they don’t allow that to water down the truth, they remain faithful in presenting God’s word in a manner that is not only informative but practical and enjoyable.

If your’ve read and benefitted from Shepherding a Child’s Heart you will really enjoy this series, and if you haven’t this will transform how you discipline your kids! There is so much detail given as Friel and Tripp walk the listener through different situations parents encounter on a daily basis. It has been a great encouragement to me (I have already listen to it twice), and I hope it will be for you as well!

I loved this so much I wanted to share, the best way to share is to give it away. I wish I could give it away to everyone, but alas I cannot. So, if you enter and do not win I highly recommend purchasing this series. It is available through the Wretched store at http://www.wretchedradio.com as an MP3 disk or an instant download. To enter to win a free MP3 disk Of Drive By Parenting follow the link below, and next Friday I will post the winner on Facebook. (It looks as though you must use a home computer to complete the entry form, not a mobile device).

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I do want to note that I am not being sponsored by Wretched, although I would happily review all their recourses and give them away! One of the things I wanted to do with this blog is share really wonderful, gospel centered, resources with those who came across this humble little site! There are so many gimmicky parenting books that try to mix-mash pop-psychology into Christianity, which really doesn’t work. Tripp and Friel are simply working to show parents how to apply God’s word to the work of raising their children, and they did a great job!

Leave a comment telling me the worst parenting advice you’ve ever gotten and get two extra entries!

I hope this is helpful and encouraging as you seek to lead your children to the cross!