Death to self! It sounds so violent, so bloody, but I don’t think it sounds as hard as it is in reality! Human life is fragile, a hard hit to the head and your done. However, the flesh doesn’t go down after one blow, instead I have noticed that in battling a particular sin it can seem as though the fight is getting nastier and nastier as I come to realize just how deeply rooted certain sins are. Over the past few months I have seen more and more just how prideful I am. Every time I think I have seen the depth of my pride, I find that it’s worse than I thought. While the part of me that loves the Lord says “yes, death to self”, my prideful flesh is still a present and influential enemy; sadly one that fights hard for survival. My flesh is sneaky; it reasons softly with my emotions, with my weakness, and with my all to busy life sometimes I don’t even notice I’ve been pulled off track. I find myself far from God in a flash, and saddened by the distance, wondering how I strayed so far so fast! There are times I am more alert, more vigilant, aware of the spiritual battle waiting around the corner, better prepared to struggle with my sin and face the truth that despite my desire to be loyal to God without His help and strength I will fall away. It seems this is the nature of my walk with the Lord, a reality I wish weren’t so, but it is God’s way of teaching me to be dependent on Him. I have come to the realization that I wonder away when I believe the lie that I can do this on my own!
Studying Biblical counseling for the past several years has kept me in the Word, forced me to constantly look at how what I have read reflects a change of heart that needs to happen so that I can live a life that is honoring to God, always seeking to grow in my love for God and others. Its help me understanding the truth that no matter where I am, I still have so much further to go in my walk with God; it’s a sobering and humbling reality to face: until I leave this world I will fight the same fight against my flesh, I will slowly grow through each battle, but perfection, complete freedom from sinful desire, lies ahead in eternities future.
I read a Spurgeon quote this morning, “if He reigns in my heart, there will be no room for another reigning power.” This pricked my heart, I feel the fight with my flesh so strongly today. If there is no room for the world or the flesh than why is it still there, why dose it fight to survive? Why am I so disloyal to a God who has shown me such great love? Perhaps this is simply the refiners fire, his presence is the heat revealing the impurity, seeing the impurity brings humility, it reveals the gap that the cross must bridge, it offers a chance to repent and to experience an overflow of thanksgiving that though my sin runs deep His grace runs deeper. It seems the hurt I feel today is necessary for me to truly understand the Father’s love, that he would choose to make such a wretch his treasure! If my flesh died an easy death I would never know just how great God’s love is for stubborn sinners like me!
I hope you’re encouraged to fight on, even when the days are hard, we never fight alone when we seek the help of the Fathers, Son, and Holy Spirit! I feel low today, a feeling I hate, my heart hurts, and I desperately want to feel some relief! Really I want to believe I’m not as bad as I really am, but I guess that’s the point: I am as bad as the cross says I am! However, I am reminded of James 4: 6-10, “He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.”
Leading Them to the Cross 